Wednesday, July 10, 2013


BACK AGAIN, for a third and possibly final time - is BLASTERS MONTH. It's become less a month really, and more a recurring, bi-annual event. And the first blaster I'm looking at this time around is the Zorg ZF-1. Why it's taken me so long (and a nudge from an anonymous commenter) to get to this blaster I truly, truly have no idea. The ZF-1 is a weapon of absolute beauty. I could gush and gush and gush about this blaster, but why bother when Mr Zorg himself can sell it's features so much better than I ever could:

Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg (above) was a weapons dealer and designer who totally had his shit down. I mean this guy really knew how to design kickass weaponry. If you can't be bothered watching the link above (and I seriously advise you to do so if you want to see the ZF-1 in all it's glory), then simply peruse the stats below:

ZF-1 Pros                                                 ZF-1 Cons
Light                                                                                        None that I can see
Good for lefites and righties
Breaks down into four parts
Undetectable by X-ray
Titanium recharger
3000 round clip!!!
Fires in bursts of 3 to 300
Replay function which, after firing an initial round,
  sends all subsequent rounds to the same location
Rocket launcher
Arrow launcher (arrows can have either exploding
  or poison gas heads)
Net Launcher
Flame Thrower
Ice cube (freeze) system
Ridiculously overpowered self-destruct mechanism

Now, you might think a weapon with all of the above features would look like some kind of taped-together piece of shit like Ripley's pulse-rifle/grenade launcher mashup in Aliens but no! You'd be wrong. In fact you couldn't be wronger - and yes, that's a word. The ZF-1 is a thing of absolute and incontrovertible beauty. I mean feast your eyes. Seriously, feast your beady little eyes:

You really do not want to be a test dummy standing in front of a ZF-1.In fact you don't want to be standing anywhere near anyone holding one of these babies, especially if they have a penchant for pressing big red buttons. JBE Zorg was undoubtedly a master when it came to weapons design. Any other designer trying to pack so many features into the one unit would have simply come up with a busted-ass mess that no self-respecting gun-toting sci-fi character would touch with a barge pole.

I mean seriously, go back and re-read the list of features. Now look at the sweeping lines, the industrial bulk, the elegantly pointy ends of the nozzles and rockets. Wonder at how Zorg has managed to fit a 3000 round clip into this thing. 3000 rounds!!! How does he do it? There's a massive net in there somewhere too, and a reservoir of napalm for the flame thrower, a can of liquid nitrogen for the ice-cube system, not to mention a half kiloton nuclear self-destruct charge.

Simply mind blowing. I cannot imagine how Zorg managed to put this thing together but I tip my hat to him, honestly I do. When it comes to raw destructive firepower, the ZF-1 is up there with the best. When it comes to features, the ZF-1 is unparallelled, and all delivered in a stylish package that must be the envy of weapons designers everywhere.

Well done sir. If I review a more comprehensive blaster than this I will be truly surprised. The ZF-1 has inspired me to award my very first gold star award for excellence in blaster design.

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